Best still ever.
who the fuck asks these questions
do you ever see a persons name on facebook and even if their status is something really nice you just think “fuck you” every time?
Starting my day off with a terrible morning. Awesome. Thank you to my body, for how much you suck at keeping me from getting sick, and my period, for surprising me a week early and ruining everything. I’d also like to thank myself for being an idiot and sleeping on my arm that had sharpie on it, and it imprinting itself on my face. Oh and I can’t forget to thank my huge test tomorrow that’s stressing me out even more now that I’m sick and on my period. You all helped make this happen and I can’t thank you enough.
a shooting star is actually someone driving off rainbow road
Ellen gives Edgar the pizza guy at the Oscars a $1,000 tip (x)
what does a tree do when it wants to leave
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I RUINED THE WHOLE FUCKING JOKE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ‘WHAT DOES A TREE DO WnHEN IT WANTS TO GO HOME’ I CANT EVEN TELL A JOKE RIGHT WOW THATS JUST PATHETIC
Somehow this version is funnier.
Im laughing so hard omg my teacher sent me an email earlier and it started with “Oh dear! I am both sad and hungry this morning.”
Me too, man. Me too.
setting realistic goals for my future
And he fucking gets his castle
OHHHHH OH OHHH OHHHHH
Ellen Degeneres is the greatest because she doesn’t insult anyone but she doesn’t tiptoe around anything either and she includes everyone and she makes people feel good about themselves while poking fun at them and this is the kind of comedy that should be embraced at award shows not misogynistic songs about breasts